


First Love

by Ligeila



Category: X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internal Monologue, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 09:16:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17200781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ligeila/pseuds/Ligeila
Summary: Remy's thoughts about Belladonna.





	First Love

**Author's Note:**

> This is a dark one. I still like it.

She was my first… my first everything. 

My first kiss, my first volunteer sex partner and my first friend. And she saved me. More then once. Mostly from myself. And if it hadn’t been for her I would never have tried to pick Jean-Luc’s pocket. I needed the money to buy her a present. She told me it was her birthday and that I had to make her a present. It was vital! And I had seen this butterfly pendant in this pawn shop and I knew I had to get that for her. But I couldn’t steal it. I had to buy it. So I tried to pick a pocket and failed for the first time in years. It was the luckiest day in my life. Later on I went back and got the pendant and I gave it to her. By then I knew that she had lied. It hadn’t been her birthday then at all but I gave it to her when it really was. 

She wasn’t the first to threaten to kill me. She wasn’t the first to hold a knife to my throat or a gun to my head. She wasn’t the first to tell me she hated me but she was the first to tell me she loved me. I believed in her firsts but she is also a girl who follows through. 

Sometimes I lie awake in the bed and think on how she’s going to kill me. 

Will it be with poison? What kind will it be? Will it act fast or slow? Will it be painful or not? How is she going to administer it? Will it be in my food? Or maybe it will be on something I touch? Maybe it will be the air I breathe… maybe it will be a pinprick in a crowd and I won’t know before it’s too late. 

Will it be a bullet? Will she shoot me like a dog that I am? Will it be from a far with a rifle? Quick and clean? Will I be alone, or with someone, or in a mass of people? Will I be in bed with someone and she will splatter my brains on whoever is there to provide meaningless sex and scar them as punishment for life, just because I chose them for one night? Or maybe she will kill the person in bed with me? Will she be in the room instead? Will she shout and scream and tell me finally how she hates me? What kind of a gun will it be? 

Will it be a knife? Where would she stab me? Quick in the neck? One stroke and I bleed out in a matter of second like a pig. Or face on and straight into the heart? Watch the light go out in my eyes. Or maybe she will spill my guts all over the floor and I will watch myself slowly and painfully bleed to death. Will she drag it out? Will she cut and toy and torture me for hours? Days? Longer? 

I deserve it. 

I lie awake and think and wait. She doesn’t come to get me or even when she does it’s never serious. They are only reminders that she can and that she still cares. Because when she stops trying and failing to kill me I will know that she no longer cares and then I will kill myself for her. 

Because she is my first. And I love her.

**Author's Note:**

> I've never posted this before but wrote it a long time ago. Rereading it I found that it's maybe worth posting.


End file.
